My almost-10-year-old son, Clark, has autism.  He was diagnosed at age four, which the experts say was late.   Sometimes I blame myself for not seeing the signs earlier, but I try not to dwell on that.  He is my first child, and I’m just grateful I got to spend his first three years with him alone, without therapists and clinicians.  Clark was just my baby andbeautiful little boy during these years.   We were a mother and child having fun and going places.

I spent many years working as a paralegal.  After four months of being back at work, I realized I wanted to be home full-time with Clark.  That’s partially because my husband and I waited 11 years to have children and I was 37 when he was born. 

For three years, Clark was fine. He was eager to learn and loved going places with me and out into the world.  Those were the years where we weren’t always in therapy driving to clinician or doctor appointments.  The clinicians meant well, but it was hard having other people telling us how to interact with our child, what foods he should eat, and how to discipline him.   I lost confidence in my parenting and in myself.  I felt the experts knew more than I did, and that they were always right.  After all, they had master degrees and PhDs in autism --  I did not. 

When the autism manifested it self, it was like gremlins had attacked his body. He couldn't stop pacing, and went from talking a lot to almost nothing. He got to the point where he only talked if he wanted to go to the bathroom or wanted food and drink. He couldn't carry on a conversation anymore. There was no more conversations about what he did at preschool.  Getting him to say "Yes, I had fun at school" was like trying to pull teeth. Instead, he'd just ignore me.

 He would run through what we call “scripts” of books or movies through his head and tune out the world. He no longer took interest in things like the trees changing colors. He pulled inward.  He also went from wanting to go places  he once enjoyed.  Before, we always went to the science center and children's museum. At 3 ½, he didn't want to. He was scared of the world.

 We didn't know what was going on. It was a slow process getting Clark’s diagnosis. We went to a pediatrician and told him about his odd behaviors.  The pediatrician did not know what was going on either -- or if he did, he never used the “autism” word. Clark was so high-functioning, it only became noticeable he had issues once he went to preschool at age 3.  Our preschool teacher first suggested Clark might have autism and that we see a neuropsychologist, so I started trying to find names and get in for an appointment. On his fourth birthday she said he had autism.  Our life as we had known it was changed.