A Mothers side of Autism  

Hello my name is Jennifer and I would like to share my story with you especially since April is Autism Awareness Month. Thank you for reading my story.   

Like all parents I conceived my son and I was thrilled! I couldn't wait to find out what I was having or feel him move. I had a picture perfect pregnancy, no complications at all. No drug or alcohol abuse, trauma or anything else. On November 24, 2004 I gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy that weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. I couldn't believe the miracle of life! It was the start of my true life, it put everything into perspective for me.

He was an adorable happy playful baby like most. Though as he grew older, and I worked with several people who had children around the same age I just felt this awkward sense that something was different. I couldn't place my finger on it, and I am one to worry about everything. I kind of just brushed it off. But I couldn't shake this feeling, and didn't understand it. Now looking back, I think it was that all the babies I had been around seemed curious, nosy sort of and Lucas really didn't pay attention to the surrounding world. My worries persisted and more so as he grew around the age of one. He just seemed different. Many signs I missed because I knew nothing of Autism, the signs, and thought that nothing could be wrong. I didn't realize things like hand flapping, jumping, and little eye contact were red flags. That is why awareness is key, parents need to know the early warning signs. As all his peers started talking he still just said Mama and Dada. I told the pediatrician I was concerned and she said to just keep working with him and doing what I was doing and he would get it. Time passed, still no talking. I worried on a daily basis by this point.   

After a few times of sharing my concern with my pediatrician, she referred my to Early Intervention. This was all new to me and I had no idea what a long process it would be. They came and did their evaluations and of course found he was delayed. I blamed myself, it must be he watches too many cartoons, I don't read or sing to him enough. I asked them if they could tell me if there was something wrong, they said they couldn't but they would express if there was concern. It wasn't but after a few visits, I got the phone call "Jennifer I was just thinking maybe you should go to the doctor and just talk with them more about what your are concerned about." My stomach turned, I knew there was a real problem.

So I searched for answers every where, the Internet friends and family. Autism was the only thing I had really even heard of but I didn't know anything about it really.  So I searched the internet for hours every day. Sometimes I would read things and my heart would race, it sounded just like Lucas. Then other things I would read sounded nothing like him. I tried to talk myself into thinking that it couldn't be Autism, but it stuck in my head from that point on. Friends and family reassured me he was fine all kids are different, hes just sheltered, he will catch up. That made me feel better for a little while but the feeling always came back.     

So I took him back to the pediatrician to discuss Early Interventions results. The results didn't concern her that much, but as she watched Lucas she saw that something was amiss. She tried to talk to him he pretty much ignored her and opened and closed the drawer with toys in it. I was so nervous I was sick. Then she said she saw something but she wouldn't put a label on it so she was referring us to a pediatric neurologist in Roanoke. She gave me a hug as I cried and told me we would get through it.    

So I made the appointment there and after a long month it was time to go. The big day came and January 2, 2006 would change our lives forever. We were all tense the whole way to Roanoke, scared of what was to come. The doctor came in and talked to us and Lucas, showing him different things, and asking questions about him. I thought things went rather well, then he came back in there with a serious and concerned face. I sat there in a daze as he talked and the tears started coming, I knew before he even said it our fear was now a reality "I'm sorry your son has Autism." Most people would probably have a million questions, we just sat there in silence, exhausted. I couldn't even speak, he probably thought we were really rude but after going through all of that and finally hearing it, it was all we could handle for that moment.  

I cried all the way home until my eyes were almost swollen shut. Jamie sat quietly not knowing how to handle it. I was so upset I couldn't even call and talk to my family about it. How was I supposed to tell them? I thought people would think of him differently now. I have seen how people treat the disabled, the thought terrified me. I felt like we were just shipped off to another planet, watching everyone else going about their day like nothing mattered, smiling, laughing, talking on the phone. Everything seemed different now. It was like we was on the outside looking in through glass thinking what is wrong with these people! My son has autism! This isn't supposed to happen to us! Then I looked in the back seat at my beautiful son smiling at me with that smile that makes you melt. I couldn't understand what I was feeling he was still my baby, my Lucas he was right there in front of me nothing had changed yet everything had changed. 

After some time and a lot of healing, I have learned to cope with the fact that he has Autism. I had a really hard time with jealousy and envy after the diagnosis, because it wasn't fair why my baby? Why did he have to struggle, he didn't deserve it. It makes you realize that we really have no control over our lives like we think we do. You hear of all these terrible things that happen to people, but you don't realize it can happen to you as easily as anyone else. Then you become one of those people that had horrible thing happen.  

Now we are all doing great. We attend a wonderful local support group "Special Kids With Special Needs" which had been such a help, to have others relate to and share information and stories is truly uplifting. We are also active in an Autism Action group, we do fundraisers and draw in professionals to help get more resources for the families in need. I have the best family you could ever hope for. They are so supportive of Lucas and are doing everything in their power to learn and fight for him.   

We still struggle at times and have bad days, like everyone. I still have issues with guilt no matter how many times you hear its not your fault it is hard to accept when they can't tell you why, there has to be an explanation. With out one all I am left to think is it must be something I done. I also struggle with constantly worrying if I am doing enough to help him, if I am working hard enough. Being a parent is a lot of pressure. Being a parent of an autistic child is overwhelming with pressure, their life is in your hands completely. It is rewarding though, you learn to treasure the small stuff. Things people take for granted bring you to tears, jump for joy, and call everyone in the phone book! I am so proud of Lucas all his accomplishments and hard work.   

This experience has taught us the most important life lessons and opened our eyes and even though a lot of people don't understand it is really not much different than anyone else's parenting roller coasters. Just sometimes more interesting! He is an adorable, playful, rambunctious 3 yr old like any you know. He is the light of our lives, a true blessing as every child is to their parents. He never ceases to amaze us and keeps us laughing all day long. Even though he still cannot talk he has quite the personality! Sadly though most people do not get to see the true Lucas that we see. It is not until we go out in public, on vacation, or to visit friends that we really realize just how different and hard the world can be for him. At home there are less tantrums, anxiety, and stares.   

He is receiving speech therapy and attending a pre-school program for kids with autism. We are lucky to have such a great opportunity for him. His speech therapists are wonderful, and his teacher is a Godsend. He is making a lot of good progress, just in the three short months he's been going.  

If we could help parents to understand one thing it would be that for all the times your kids are talking your heads off, and you just wish for peace and quiet for five minutes, to think of all the parents out there like us who would give anything for our son to just look us in the eye and say one sentence. Cherish each and every one of those moments.  

April is Autism Awareness month lets learn about this condition so we can do something about it. Lets try to find answers for Lucas and all the kids affected. Take a little time open a book or a web-site and read about it. If you see a kid screaming and kicking in the floor at Wal-Mart try not to judge maybe there is a reason. Try not to stare and mumble at the parents they are doing the best they can. The planet autism is very fascinating and motivating if you take the time to try and understand it. Now is a good time, sadly with the outrageous statistic some how if not already Autism will probably affect your life.   

Thank you to all the people who fight for kids like mine, who teach them, love them, and most of all accept them.