This has been something that is hard for me to discuss publicly but I know there's more people out there that have been going through similar situations, so I figure sharing my story will heal me as well as others. Keeping silent is part of the shame a lot of people who were abused feel, so the only way to get rid of the shame is to learn how to feel more comfortable discussing what happened so it's not a secret.

I usually don't talk about the details of what happened to me. What I usually say is from about the ages of 6-12 I was molested by my nephew who also happens to be a year older than me. It's the simplest way to let people know what took place. Though it's not very specific.

The most damaging part of all of this may not have been what happened to me, because I realize that at a year older than me, my abuser was also likely a victim, and because we were so secretive, no one knew and could therefore stop it. However, when I was 12 and finally found the courage to tell my sister and then my mother, things could have been handled differently. After I disclosed what happened I went through severe depression in which I often locked myself in my room anytime I was home, and cried every day. I was confused. I felt guilty. I felt alone. I felt isolated. And though my family knew and started me in counseling, no further discussion took place about my sexual abuse from that point on.

My whole life I've been in and out of counseling. Each time dealing with my problems on my own. Too embarrassed to share with anyone else what I was going through. Wanting to just be normal, but deeply feeling that something was wrong with me, that my thought patterns were obsessive, and wondering if I was crazy. All results of the damage I had incurred as a child, built in at an early age.

I managed to camouflage my pain well, excelerating at every challenge I tried, whether it was school or cheerleading. I was and still tend to be such a people pleaser that no one could tell if anything was wrong, because I was so good at hiding it. As I get older though, it's harder to keep up the facade, and drains me. That's why I decided to seek help again.

Recently I started seeing a new counselor who is amazing. I'm reading The Courage to Heal and doing the workbook. I feel like this book justifies my life. Things that I did but could never make sense of or stop because it just came so naturally, all made sense after I started reading this book and going to this new counselor. It was a long time coming, considering I have been working on this for the last 12 years.

It may take a long time and a lot of work to find what will help you heal but once you find it, it's so worth it to be able to make sense of the mess that is your life.

I know I have a long road ahead of me. I will try to write more stories in the future, the more I learn in hopes that it will help others who have been through similar situations. I welcome any discussions about the topic.

-Jessica