Our household was a relatively quiet one when I was a child. My father would bark at us occasionally, more of a call to order, but on the whole, raised voices were frowned upon. Shouting was considered to be the manifestation of someone’s inability to express themselves in a more erudite manner. I can’t remember quite when it was, but I recall a general surge in self expression in the media. The suggestion was, ‘If you feel angry and frustrated, try screaming into a pillow or punching it.’ I tried the screaming, once. Did it made me feel any better, I’m unsure, but I do remember having a sore throat thereafter.

I adopted a similar policy with my own daughter. I held onto the policy as additional children arrived. By the time number four arrived I realized that in any event I was out numbered and incapable of out shouting four people. My youngest son was by far the noisiest person I had ever come across, quite ironic in view of his profound sensitivity to sound. It is truly one of the most bizarre sights to see someone screaming at full volume and simultaneously covering their ears for protection from themselves. I was the one that was dumbstruck. I am ashamed to admit that it took me a very long while to disentangle that one.

I do remember earlier on trying to increase my volume over the din. It was shortly after I had yelled “CALM DOWN!” that I caught a glimpse of a frenzied, old hag in the rear view mirror screaming like a banshee. I thought at the time that maybe the words were too complex for smallish people to understand. A second or two later I realized that someone running up and down a burning building shrieking ‘don’t panic’ has the opposite effect. From that moment onwards I knew that I had to find the correct tone to match the message to be effective. ‘Wanna know how I feel!’ blasted from a megaphone, whilst brandishing a cleaver, rarely needs translation, body language and other clues betray us.

Some people are good actors, they can say something and sound as if they truly mean it. Other people are less fortunate. Less fortunate people like me, need to feel it to mean it. This meant that I needed to gain control of my own emotions before I was capable of conveying the message that I really wanted to send. It seemed an impossible task but it was the only alternative available. I kept in mind that when I became flustered and agitated, everything became worse both for me and for them, a self fulfilling prophecy. It was a basic stimulus and response mechanism, my children became agitated and noisy, and I’d begin to lose control.

Some lucky parents are naturally calm and receptive. Other parents may need to work on this area a little, or a lot, if you’re like me. As so often is the case, there are no easy answers, but I hear that there are many long term health benefits for people who can learn to control their blood pressure, by fair means or foul. If we can avoid bursting blood vessels, we might be able watch our adult children enjoy a far greater degree of control over their own lives, than we might be able to manage ourselves.

"Cheers dears"